Rambling (I couldn’t think of a proper title for this post)

OK, I’ve been thinking about this post for a while now. I can’t find a way to say it without rambling so I’ll just ramble.

My Dad, Lee Blanchard, was diagnosed when he was 58 years old with Early Onset Alzheimer’s. Slowly watching him deteriorate was terrible. The pain, the guilt, the emotional rollercoaster was nothing I would ever wish on even my worst enemy. When he passed 7 years later I felt (as well as my siblings, I’m sure) like there was a huge hole in my life. My dad was the kindest man. Always helping others and not being judgmental. He was my dad. I was proud to be his daughter. When he died I think in a way we had all thought that we were kind of prepared because it had really taken him long before the day his body quit. But we weren’t. The first few weeks were horrible. I cried a lot. I thought of all the things we wouldn’t be doing anymore. Losing a parent is just a really traumatic event. We all know it’s going to happen to us someday but we are never ready whether it’s a long, drawn out illness or something sudden. I miss my dad so very much.

But I could come home to my husband and my kids and they, my immediate core family, would be there and we would talk and cry and my family would carry me through the dark days.

This…………this is a completely different animal.

I’m not saying this to make people feel sorry for me. I know I will go on and learn to live with this new life that was dealt to me.

I come home and YES…..I have my kids. My two children are my solid ground right now. We hold each other up and cry together and we carry on with our days. And YES, I’m grateful and thankful he and I created the most amazing young people that they are, and will become. So very thankful.

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I don’t come home to a complete immediate core family anymore.

It’s just me……. Just me to take care of the house, just me to take care of the finances, just me to help with the homework, just me for…. well, for everything.

I hate the night time. I have started just going to bed when the kids do because I hate the loneliness I feel once they are asleep and I’m by myself in the living room watching TV (and I’m just exhausted lately too). Chris and I always said that because we worked in the restaurant business for so many years when we were younger (that’s how we actually met in 1989) that we continued to be night owls. Going to bed late (and we’d laugh how our “late” got earlier and earlier because we were getting older….and we’d also laugh at how we lucked out by moving to the area in our town that has the latest start time for school because all the lower grade schools share the same buses) was just something we did. It was “our time” so sit and relax and be together. But he is no longer here. I have no one to bounce family ideas and decisions off of. The loneliness can be so very evil and pull me down into a deep hole and force me to think of things I don’t want to think about. All the things he is missing and will miss…. Force me to think about that terrible day……I see the awful picture in my head of that morning. Part of me wishes I will forget that image but part of me almost WANTS to remember it. I don’t understand that part of me yet.

And YES, I know he is with me in spirit. I talk to him constantly. But when the person is not physically there and was such a huge part of this life you were building…..I can’t even describe it. No words can convey the emptiness. I miss him so much it takes my breath away when I really start to think about it. So my internal survival mechanism makes me try to think of something else. But it always comes back to it when I’m alone by myself.

I will learn to control this new beast…..I have to. And I will…..it doesn’t feel like I will most of the time, but I will. For my kids….for me……and for him.