Spring again

Wow. It’s been a really long time since my last post. I really wanted to do a “one year” post but I haven’t been able to muster up the words because sometimes it feels like forever and then sometimes it still feels like you were here not that long ago and I don’t know how to say things right.

I see the signs you send me. The rainbows, the cardinals everywhere in our yard, plus bunches of other small ones. They make me see that you are watching over us. They make me smile now, but then not too long after, they make that empty part inside me ache again. I’ve been learning to live with that feeling. I’m sure I will always have it. I try very hard to be happy through the kids. They are so amazing. But happiness for me is through them and doesn’t exist but for them.

I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate life…I do. I’m still a goofy, don’t-give-a-crap what people think of me kind of person. It is just that “lost” feeling is still really strong.

A friend of ours passed too early recently and I know what his wife is feeling. It was sudden, like you. I know I have come so far since that day but that deep dark place I fell into is what she is experiencing now. I cry for her….and then for us.

This is the tree that was planted at Ben’s school in honor of you. It flowered and made me think that I need to flower again. I can put on the flowery mask all the time but sometime in the future I need to flower from within.

The rings inside my trunk can tell what I’ve been through but you can’t see them unless you cut me down…which I won’t let happen because you wouldn’t want me to.

Someday I hope to flower again.

i love you with all my heart

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