4 Months

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Tomorrow will be 4 months.

It’s really hard to believe. I already feel like it’s been a lifetime ago. My heart has been hurting every day and makes the days really drag out sometimes. But it’s still really fresh as well. So hard wrapping my head around all that has happened still. My brain quickly tries to think of something else when I start thinking about it. Sometimes it’s successful, but other times not so much.

I took Ben to see a Baysox game because he had earned a free ticket through school. I kept thinking about how you would yell and cheer on the Baysox while we chatted with friends and drank a beer. I held it together until they started the fireworks. I cried quietly during the firework show and wondered if you could see them from up there. I remembered that last Baysox game we went to with the church and how much fun we had. I wished so bad that you were there with us.

In the past few days I have had a bunch of “memories” pop up on Facebook for the Take Your Kid to Work Day that the kids enjoyed so much every year. Benny was so excited that last year he was finally old enough to attend. That’s where this picture is from. I’m guessing that they’ve already had it this year or will be having it soon. I wonder if they were thinking how weird it was not having you there with the kids. Your Loony Toons tie that you wore for that day every year is still upstairs in your untouched closet.

They finally came for your car. I sat in it one last time that afternoon when I found out they were coming because it still smelled like you. The driveway seems so very big now.

I do the yard work because I have ALL the household duties now. I make sure it’s done how you would do it. Your side of the garage is beginning to collect stuff….you probably wouldn’t like that. One of these days I’m going to clean the whole thing out.

I joined an online forum for grieving spouses. So much of what the others describe is how I am feeling. The hollowness. The heaviness. The fear of not knowing what will be in our future. I’m hoping it will help somewhat. It made me realize that there are other women who just really can’t function at all now because of the grief. I’m thankful I know I have to move forward and can lean on God when i need to even though the pain is still so great. I’m hoping by reaching out to some of them I can help them and help myself be less lonely.

Loneliness……. wow. The loneliness is the biggest part that I am having such a hard time with. Yes, my friends and family are here for support. I know that. But they can’t take the place of what we shared day to day. The companionship, the love, the cheering on, the commiserating on how to handle the kids’ stuff….I miss it so very much.

I miss YOU so much. I just want you to put your arms around me and tell me everything will be OK.  I’ve made it this far. I will keep wearing my “I’m doing OK” mask and keep pushing forward because I know that’s what you would want but dammit this is so hard.

One Comment

  1. Tania

    I loved seeing the photos of Chris taking the kids to work on that special day. He would tell me how much fun it was for him and the kids. I am so sorry you have to endure all of this Mis. It seems just like you and just like Chris to be there for others and simultaneously feeling a sense of purpose through your compassion. I wish there was some way to take the pain away from you. Its the hardest thing to not know what to do or say for someone you love you so much. I am always here and thinking of you every day. xoxo – Tania

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