Reflecting about joy


This description of grief is so very close to the reality of it.

As I have said before….I’m really not looking forward to the holiday season this year. I feel super anxious more and more as we get closer. It’s just a really painful reminder. I was in a store the other day and rounded a corner and ran full force into one of the huge holiday displays that are already up. I stood there…paused for a second….then turned back around and walked away. It sucks so much. I used to love it…the lights, the decorations, the music. I will not be listening to holiday music this year. Music is so powerful in positive ways for me but is also so negative as well now.

I hate being a “single” and not part of a “couple”. I’m trying hard to adjust. I have a hard time watching movies where the people are so in love. Makes me long for that feeling I felt around him. The funny stuff like him always saying “nice pants” or calling me from upstairs with “Hey beautiful?”. It’s so quiet now.

I’m trying really hard to find joy in things….I know there is still joy out there. I find joy in my kids all the time. But I can’t find it in me. I’m still looking on the bright side of stuff to some degree….I always will. That is just who I always was. But deep inside there is a sadness I never even knew existed. It’s a super dark place. I slip into it at the most crazy times. It’s like walking though a jungle and stepping in quicksand (not that I have ever done that but that is how I think it would be). I feel myself slipping and reach for the vine to grab onto to try and pull myself back up. It’s hard and exhausting, exerting the energy to do this.

I will never really have “the best day of my life” ever again. Oh I’m sure I’ll have wonderful days and I will appreciate them so very much. Just not “best”. I know that sounds negative and dramatic in a way, but it’s the truth.

I still say I’m fine. I am in some sense of the word I guess. It’s hard not having someone to share my thoughts with at night. To bounce ideas off of. To just kick back and relax with. Someone who makes me feel safe in this crazy world. Someone to be goofy with. To embarrass the kids with. I just really miss you with all my heart, baber.


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